Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Common Question -- My husband doesn't want me to cover

Such a common question for the new covering woman. After studying, praying and coming under the conviction to cover she finds out her husband disapproves to a big extent. In fact he even asks her not to cover. Many times this is a non-believer in Christ Jesus and someone who doesn't know the Bible or will not obey the Bible.

Recently this question was asked on a Yahoo group. In this case the husband said he wanted to see his wife's hair and not to have it covered.

I have answered this at other times but these are today's answers to this question.

Here is my input.............

A few ideas:

#1) Cover secretly when you pray at home. No one needs to know what is on your head during your private prayer time.

#2) Wear a beret with your hair down. That is how I cover. Details below.

#3) Collect some hoodies. They come in shirts and in sweat shirts. You can use the hood as a covering when needed.

#4) If he works in the day time you can probably wear whatever you want to while he is away and then go bare-headed when he's home.

As to the theology of what to do I lean this way: When and if I have to choose between obeying my husband and obeying the Lord God concerning any CLEAR teaching found in the Bible then I choose God over my husband. Some say, "Hey, that's not submission to your husband."

Yes, I'm aware of that. But that very teaching comes from the Bible, doesn't it? The Bible is the source of the teaching on wifely submission.

With some things it's EASY to know "when" to choose the Bible over the husband who does not believe in the Bible. There are many, many things you would not do just because he told you to.

I do teach others to follow their husbands. I obey mine. It's Biblical. However, on this topic I would cover regardless of what my husband said if he was trying to get me not to. But I would be nice. I would not flaunt it. I would try to find a covering that he could stand.

I wear a "sur la tete Beret 11 1/2 inch diameter beret" available for $13.95 at the Villiage Hat Shop which is a large on-line store. They don't wear out and come in many colors. It's not my only covering but it is my main covering. When covering I don't put my hair up. This is an option for women who have disapproving husbands.

Lastly, there are some husbands who object to head covering and/or modesty, it happens. But SOME of these men change their minds and approve of it in short time.

You'll start to look normal with some kind of covering on and look "funny" when you're not covered.

You are going to find that at least 50% of covering women will think differently than what I just shared. At least half think that covering is wrapped up in submission and ought to not be done if the husband says "no." That's okay that they don't agree with me. I'm not asserting myself as a "know-it-all" I am only sharing what I do and what I think.


Trish @ Lily-Rose Cottage said...

Hello Clevsea,
I think you have some very good ideas there!
If a married woman feels called to cover, I think she should take into account her husbands wishes, and try to find a style that keeps the harmony of their hearts in tact.
I like berets too..but they look atrocious on me lol!
I actually posted a little bit about coverings today :-)
bless you..Trish

Ember said...

:0) Hiya.

Something else to add into the mix, is that in this scenario of 'I want to cover but my husband won't let me', it seems to me that there is a deeper issue here which is the nature of the relationship between this man and this woman (in any given instance).
Of far more importance than whether a woman wears a bit of cloth on her head or not is the quality of her marriage relationship.
She is not the husbands's slave or toy. Does he understand how important this is to her? If one asked the man, would he also say 'I won't let her', I wonder, or is the lady in some way using him as something to stand behind.
I would really encourage married couples to do the difficult work of talking, talking, talking, until they really understand and respect each other's point of view.
I would be deeply disturbed by what had gone wrong in my marriage if my husband started issuing commands about what I must and must not wear. And the same can happen the other way round too. I've seen my father select a shirt he liked in a clothes store, and bring it to show my mother. One glance, pursed lips, and 'No, Steve, it's too loud' - and he went quietly to put it back. WHAT? It's the relationship that needs attending to here, not the clothing.
My husband sees no point at all in headcovering, but he takes time to listen carefully as I tell him why it's important to me, and he respects and defends my choices in this matter. Actually my husband is a total sweetie! :0D

clevsea said...

Brilliant Ember. That is very intelligent input.

I do know of marriages where the wife really doesn't want to cover and she uses her husband's one-time flippant comment as an excuse.

I also know marriages where it is very painful for the woman because she truly wants to cover and her unbelieving or unobedient husband is only thinking of how it would look to outsiders. His pride is at stake.

I agree with you 100% that in any healthy marriage the two ought to love each other and yeild to each other and want what the other wants and if any given husband is acting like the Alpha Male of the gorillas then there really is a bigger problem in play.

I know of cases where the husband wants the covering done. Either he's a Mennonite or came to covering some other way and the wife wants nothing to do with it.

There are immature marriages out there with brutish people in them. That is the bigger problem whether it's lack of healthy commumication, a power-grabber, or a lack of Spiritual wisdom and discernment---all 3 of those are huge and troubling problems.

Thanks for your comment.

Thank you too Trish. I advocate couples going on-line together and viewing photos of coverings to try to find one style they both like.